Living with Expectancy

In my retirement presentations I frequently instruct the audience to create what they want in retirement—to set goals, stretch themselves, and vision how they want to live during this next phase of life. In other words, I encourage them to create expectations.

In many cases this advice proves to be beneficial. Instead of accepting life as it comes, you move into the driver’s seat, directing where you go and how fast you get there. While all this is good, expectations have a close cousin that’s also worth getting to know. This cousin is “living with expectancy.” 

 What is the difference between living with expectations and living with expectancy?

According to Amy Gaither Hayes, author of A Collection of Wednesdays: Creating a Whole from the Parts, "Living with expectations is a sure way to end up disappointed, frustrated and possibly bitter. But, if we live each day with expectancy, we can’t help but receive gifts."

Hmmm. This statement made me pause to think about what it means for my life and for the people who look to me for direction in navigating their retirement years.

I looked up the definition of expectancy—anticipation, hope, belief, possibility.

This way of thinking reminds me of a view promoted by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander in their book, The Art of Possibility. These authors advocate viewing life from the universe of possibility, where you set the context and let life unfold. Compare this to approaching life through the measurement world where you set a goal and strive for it—in other words, living with expectations. 

Living with expectancy does not mean that you sit back and accept whatever comes your way. Conversely, you "set the context" for possibility, and then anticipate surprises, gifts, and perhaps more than you can envision on your own in the world of measurement and expectations.

What are you doing to set the context?

Take Time to Play

If you think work is hard, you may be surprised to learn that leisure can be harder.

Think about it. What have you been educated, trained, programmed and rewarded for doing over the past 25-30 years? I doubt that the answer is leisure, play or relaxation. And yet, when it comes to managing our retirement years, these are the areas where we need to develop new skills. We need to learn how to, "Enjoy the fine art of relaxation." We need to take time to play.

You may think that once you're retired, you'll have all the time in the world to play. And you will. But, until you give yourself permission to play, until you learn the fine art of relaxation, and it is an art, you may be approaching each day with the same mindset as when you were employed—believing that you need to be productive, to get the most out of every waking minute.

Soon you'll realize that when you're no longer spending 8-10 hours per day commuting and working, there are a lot of minutes in a day. Trying to fill each one with the same intensity that you did while working can be exhausting. You can carry this burden every day, or you can commit to taking time to play.

Learning how to get the most out of leisure time is an area that I'm working on right now. Taking time to play doesn't come easy to me. I've always needed to feel productive. To give you an idea, when I was a stay-at-home mother of three young children, I remember painting the bathroom walls with my one-year old son in a harness on my back. During their naptimes, I sewed a new outfit almost every day. I had to have something to show for my time. Learning how to play is going to take practice.

Last week I decided to practice this mindset while driving to NH to visit my parents. I had all day to make the 4-1/2 hour drive. Since I wanted to bring them a new birdbath for their front lawn, I drove 25 minutes in the opposite direction to go to my favorite nursery. It didn't make sense to add another hour to my trip, but since I had time to play, I went for it.

At the nursery, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of casually selecting my favorite color and style in birdbaths. I walked through the other areas of the nursery just to savor the beauty of the flowers, the soothing music playing in the background, and the other lovely gardening items on the shelves.

Then, two hours into my trip, I stopped at a Barnes and Noble bookstore to use their bathroom.  Normally I would have rushed in and out, doing my best to not lose time. This time, since my intention was to take time to play, I savored the experience of choosing a few cards for upcoming birthdays and other celebrations.

Just one hour further into the trip I stopped at my favorite rest stop—the Vermont Welcome Center. The building is a post and beam structure with the rich smell of wood. There are displays of items made in Vermont, including beautiful handcrafted furniture that feels like velvet to the touch. I called my husband from this location while sitting in one of the handmade rocking chairs. I took time to play.

You might be wondering if I ever got to NH. I did. But not until one more stop at a party supply store to buy special paper products for my son's new apartment. (He doesn't own dishes yet.) I had fun selecting square plates and modern design napkins that complement his color scheme. I looked forward to giving him this gift when we helped him move into his new apartment over the weekend.

By taking time to play, I had a really enjoyable trip to NH. I arrived feeling refreshed and fulfilled. I had made time to play, and it was fun!

As you design your retirement lifestyle, I encourage you to make it your job to develop the skills needed to get the most out of leisure time. Practice often. And master the fine art of relaxation.

Copyright 2014 Patrice Jenkins

www.patricejenkins.com

Glorious Failure

"A glorious failure can sometimes be more life affirming than a cautious win." 

Now is the perfect time in life to invest in the possibility of a glorious win, accepting the risk of a glorious failure, rather than being complacent with a cautious win.

As Elizabeth Gilbert states in a recent O Magazine article, "You must ask for what you really want. The mere act of saying aloud, 'This is who I am and this is what I've come for' seems to awaken a powerful force within. By articulating your wish, you're serious about bringing forth the next great thing in your life." Even if it ends up being a failure.

What do you get from a glorious failure? One—you fail, or at least you don't accomplish what you set out to achieve. On the other hand, you discover new options and opportunities. In the process of going for the big win, you experience living life to the fullest. You get to be the person that "you want to be." And, if you try enough times for the glorious win, you might just get it one day.

Conversely, rather than take a chance that you might fail at what you really want, you decide to go for the cautious win. A more sure thing, but are you better off? Does a cautious win excite you? Do you want to jump out of bed in the morning to meet a cautious win? A failure makes you want to try again. A cautious win can make you complacent—accepting good enough.

Why is retirement the perfect time to go for the glorious win or failure? We have very little at stake. Other than protecting our financial investments, everything else is up for grabs—our time, energy, relationships, interests, hobbies, commitments…  Retirees can take this risk.

Author James Marshall Reilly, in his book Shake Up the World: It’s Not About Finding a Job, It’s About Creating a Life, says, "When you are young, there is no wrong choice other than the safe choice." Reilly suggests that young adults have very little to lose, that they are "gifted a uniquely low-risk window of time to invest in themselves." I propose that the same is true for the other end of the career lifecycle, the period when we're free to put a capstone on our life, not just our career. We can go for the glorious win and risk a failure.

According to Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations, "A safe conversation is a failed conversation." Maybe the same principle applies to goals. A safe goal is a failed goal. At best, it's a cautious win. I encourage you to risk the glorious failure in exchange for the glorious win!

Written by Patrice Jenkins, Ph.D.

www.patricejenkins.com

Don't Order From the Menu

This past weekend I had dinner out with a friend who always requests something that's not on the menu. Rather than choosing from the specially prepared entrees, she goes to great lengths to describe exactly what she wants to eat and how she wants it prepared. Honestly, I find this behavior annoying and embarrassing. What's so hard about finding something on the menu that sounds appetizing?

When I have a meal in a restaurant, I almost always order from the menu. I think it's the polite thing to do. After all, it's only a meal.

But, when it comes to how I order my life, the rules change. If I don't get one meal right, it's no big deal. Don't get my life right, well that's another story. So here is where I often choose to ask for something that's not on the menu—instead of selecting from available options, I imagine what I need, how I want to live, and then create and pursue those options for my life.

I'm not saying that what's on the menu is bad—quite the opposite. Usually these options have been carefully selected and tested. They're proven to be favorites, and so they may be a good choice. Examples include volunteering to deliver Meals-on-Wheels to the elderly or helping to build a home for Habitat for Humanity. You're wise to carefully research and consider available choices. I think of them as over-the-counter (OTC) options. Take one off the shelf and get started.

But, when the OTC options don't fit you or excite you, then it's time to create your own menu. To help you get started, consider these questions:

• What do you need to wake up curious and excited to start your day?
• What have you always wanted to do but didn't have the time, courage, money, _____ (you fill in the blank)?
• Where are you settling in life? What will change this?
• When reflecting on your life, what do you want to talk about at your 90^th birthday party?

According to authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan, "When you lift the limits of your thinking, you expand the limits of your life. It's only when you can imagine a bigger life that you can ever hope to have one." In other words: 

                                          "Don't order from the menu."

Copyright 2014, Patrice Jenkins, Ph.D. 

www.patricejenkins.com