Magic of the Calendar

Retirement is a great time to try something different, get involved in new roles, explore new hobbies, and take on new challenges. According to authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan, "You can’t put limits on what you’ll do. You have to be open to new ideas and new ways of doing things if you want break-throughs in your life. A different result requires doing something different."

All this sounds great except that it's not easy to do something different. New ideas and activities are uncomfortable. Instead of using this next chapter in our lives as a midlife opportunity, we fall victim to inertia and comfort. By overestimating the risk of uncertainty or failure, we play it safe—too safe.

 

If you're thinking about doing something new, but feeling a little scared, or a lot scared, then write the event on your calendar. Even if you think there is no chance of doing it, still pencil it in. I call it the "Magic of the Calendar." Here are three reasons why this works:

One.

You learn if the event fits into your calendar—do you have conflicts? If not, you know you have time for this event. If you have conflicts, can you work around them?

Two.

As you add other things to your calendar, perhaps required commitments, you'll notice if your pretend event is still a possibility. You can't get off the hook by saying you're too busy.

Three.

As you look at your calendar over the days and weeks to come, you start to get used to the possibility of following through on this idea—it's called the "mere exposure effect". Research suggests that the more exposure we have to something, the more we like it. Initially a new idea or activity elicits a fear/avoidance response. However, repeated exposure causes less fear and more of an approach tactic. By simply scrolling through your calendar, you are repeatedly exposed to this thing that you're not sure you're going to do.

I recently experienced the magic of the calendar. At a women's conference I learned about an organization that is committed to fighting slavery and violence against the poor (www.ijm.org). I also learned the date and place of their annual conference. For the fun of it, I wrote the event on my calendar. I really had no intention of attending. I thought it would require too much effort and expense to figure out the logistics—travel and accommodations. Plus, I didn't want to go alone. Still, each time I scrolled through my iPhone calendar, there it was—IJM Conference.

Then, to my surprise, I learned that my sister-in-law planned to attend the conference, and I could stay in her hotel room. Transportation—the train to Washington DC is affordable and convenient. Now that the logistics were worked out, I was still a little afraid to attend the conference. I knew if I learned about bonded slavery and other crimes against the poor, I had to respond. But I also knew if I didn't attend, that nothing would happen—and that was scarier.

I am happy to report that I attended the event and had an amazing weekend. Now I can say that I'm participating in the fight to end slavery and crimes against the poor. How cool is that! It was the magic of the calendar that put moved this idea from a pretend event to a lived experience.

I encourage you to give the calendar exercise a try. What have you been thinking about doing but too afraid to make it happen? For the "fun of it" write it on your calendar. Then let the magic work for you!

Copyright 2016 Patrice Jenkins. All Rights Reserved.

Disrupt Yourself

As an organizational psychologist, I gain insight from authors writing about best business and management practices more so than books describing the best vacation and retirement communities. Instead of polarizing career and retirement at opposite ends of the spectrum, I view retirement as an extension of my life's work.

That’s why I’ve decided to take one book each month and apply 5 business practices to thriving in retirement.

This month’s featured book is, Disrupt Yourself by Whitney Johnson.

One.

"When the status quo doesn't seem all that bad, jumping often seems needlessly risky."

If life is pretty good for you, it can take more courage to do something different, to disrupt your usual patterns and practices when you are comfortable. I'm warning you that not jumping is more risky. When people are asked what is their biggest regret, the word "not" shows up most often—chances not taken; dreams not  pursued. (Click here  to learn about an experiment in Brooklyn, NY where people were asked to write their biggest regret on a publically displayed chalkboard.)

Two.
"Constraints can be the perfect remedy if you are having a difficult time focusing or

are unable to clarify how you want to disrupt yourself."

Adding constraints is an interesting idea when it comes to retirement. Essentially we have almost no constraints. We can do anything—which I'm told, often leads to doing nothing. By creating some constraints, narrowing our focus, we are more creative and motivated to take action.

Three.

"With personal disruption, the question you ask is: To achieve my baseline level of happiness, what do I need to accomplish and what am I willing to give up in order to make this happen?"

As you bring focus and intention to your personal disruption, what is it that you want to accomplish? What would you like to erase from your "biggest regret list?" What would you like to check off your "bucket list?" Don't expect this path to be easy—but it is worth it! Commit to staying on the path—your life depends on it!

Four.

"Businesses and individuals that are disrupting themselves frequently find themselves with very little, if any, company….If it's scary and lonely, does it mean you shouldn't disrupt? It may just mean you are on the right track. In fact, if you don't disrupt when you feel you are called to do so, you'll die inside just a little."

First I encourage you to do something different—to challenge the status quo, even when you're feeling quite content. Now I'm saying that this path is going to be lonely. You're probably ready to give up on me by now—but hang on. According to Johnson, "You can always convince yourself that staying put is the right thing. But there really is no such thing as standing still."  For example, when I told friends that my husband and I were renting an apartment in a city a little over an hour from our home, many of them didn't get it. That's when I knew I was on the right track. Courageous acts often don't make sense to other people.

Five.

"If you do something disruptive today, then the probability that you can disrupt tomorrow increases. Momentum creates momentum."

Disruption is like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. Your confidence increases; the courage needed to take the next step comes more easily. Think back to something you did for the first time, something that took a lot of courage—maybe initiating a difficult conversation or registering for your first 10K race. Did the first time make the second time easier? That's how disruption works. With momentum, living bravely becomes a way of life.

Copyright 2016 Patrice Jenkins. All Rights Reserved.

Relocating in Retirement

Bert and Linda (not their real names) approached the podium as I was preparing to speak to a group of retiring teachers. Bert smiled as he said, "We have a question for the expert." Linda explained, "We're planning to move closer to our two daughters and their families after retiring. What advice do you have for making this move?"

Another couple shared their quandary about moving to Florida for the warm climate or being close to their first grandchild in Wisconsin. Obviously, relocation is on the mind of many Baby Boomers as they make plans for retirement.

I wish I had an easy answer for my attentive audience—"Five Steps to Live Happily Ever After." Unfortunately, I don't. And I'm skeptical of other experts who have a quick-fix solution to complex decisions. Instead, when it comes to choices about relocation, consider the advice of authors Nelson and Bolles in their book, What Color is Your Parachute for Retirement?

Life planning comes first, residence planning second.

In other words, "move toward what you value"—literally.

As you envision your future life, consider your core values and mental, emotional, spiritual, physical and material needs and wants. I recommend drawing a chart listing each of these areas and then fill it in with what you know about yourself and your plans for the future.

If you have a "bucket list" of hopes and dreams, incorporate this into your life planning. List purposeful activities and commitments that will bring pleasure, engagement and meaning to your life. Also consider your strengths and talents and the outlets available for exploring these further in retirement.

Once you have a vision of how you want to live in retirement, Bolles and Nelson suggest experimenting with where you want to live. "The only way to really know whether a location has a sense of place for you is to become an explorer; you need to be there and experience it."

For the past 8 months my husband and I have been explorers; we're renting a downtown apartment in a vibrant small city. This living arrangement is a considerable contrast to our small-town living where "everyone knows your name." By having an explorer mindset, we're learning more about what matters to us, which will inform our decision about relocation.

Even if relocation is not on your mind, you're not exempt from life planning. To live intentionally, you need to make mindful choices. Be an explorer in your own community. Then decide to live where you are by choice, not default.

Copyright 2016 Patrice Jenkins. All Rights Reserved.

A Compass for the Middle

Earlier this month I wrote about the challenges of being in the middle of a major life transition—the period when we're hanging out in limbo and forced to live in the question, "What's next?"

Our natural tendency is to relieve the tension of this ambiguous state by rushing into something…anything. And yet, I encourage readers to not hurry through this stage. That the middle is a rich source of self-discovery, exploration and opportunity.

All this sounds great except for the question, "How do we do it?" If I'm asking you to hang out in limbo for a while, I want to provide a compass that will help you navigate this new territory. I won't hold your hand and walk you directly to "home" but if you use the COMPASS, you'll begin to get a sense of direction. You'll feel renewed hope, and a little hope goes a long way to helping you stay on the path.

Courage: It's going to take courage to create something meaningful in this next stage of life. When you commit to a courageous new beginning, expect discomfort. According to author Brene Brown, "We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time." Accept the fact that you can't have comfort and courage, then determine the path you want to be on. I hope you choose courage.

Organizing concept: When we've lost our sense of direction, an organizing concept helps us feel reoriented. Unfortunately retirement's old organizing concept—not working—doesn't work for Baby Boomers. We want more than 7 days/week on the golf course. A new organizing concept suggested by authors Nelson and Bolles is three-dimensional: Development, Productivity, and Leisure. Consider what you want to do in each of these areas, and then take steps to make something happen.

Matters: What really matters to you? What must you have in your life? I call these your Life Essentials.  They're what you value most and don't want to live without. They make up the best version of our life. If you want to spend your time doing what matters, then you need to know what matters to you. List your essentials and use them as a framework for creating this next stage of life.

Plan: Begin to create a plan. You don't need a detailed vision of where you want to go to get started. By being courageous, using the three-dimensional organizing concept, and incorporating what matters most, you have enough material to start designing a new beginning.

Adventure: Embrace the adventure of creating a new beginning. Be willing to experiment. You don't have to get it right the first time.

Sabbatical: If you're feeling lost and listless, claim this time as your sabbatical year. A sabbatical often includes some type of intense study, but there is also more time for personal growth and pleasure.  It's a time of self-reflection, realigning, and exploration.

Another way of defining this stage is a "Gap Year." Marc Freedman, author of The Big Shift: Navigating the New Stage Beyond Midlife, suggests a gap year for grown-ups offers "the chance for reflection, renewal, and redirection." Freedman advocates a gap year as "an opportunity to disrupt familiar patterns (and inertia), to grow personally, to be exposed to new experiences, and try on potential future roles."

Stories: As you navigate this next stage of life, imagine that you're writing your own story—a book that is full of adventure, humor, challenges and successes. A plot that brings you to the edge of your seat, makes you laugh out loud, and leaves you feeling happy and eager to read the next volume in the sequel. Create a table of contents by reflecting on the past, observing the present, and looking ahead to your future. Then take the next step toward making this story a reality.

The COMPASS is a guide to navigate "the middle" and keep you from getting stuck in limbo. Fortunately you don't have to feel strong or confident about your ability to bring about change. In fact, as author Mallika Chopra states in her book, Living with Intent, "Change doesn't happen when we feel confident, strong, and rooted. The blessing of uncertainty is that it gives us the nudge we need to dig deep—to incubate and reflect on what we want—and to find the courage to carve out a different path."

Use the discomfort of "the middle" to make something BIG happen in your life!

Copyright 2016 Patrice Jenkins. All Rights Reserved.